How Engineering Leaders Stay Calm and Effective When It Gets Personal
6 real-world stories and the 4-step framework for resolving conflicts effectively!
Intro
I've reacted emotionally many times in my career, both as an engineer and a manager. And one of the reasons for doing that was that I was very passionate about my work, the team, and the overall projects.
This has unfortunately caused me to burn some of the bridges -> with my peers, manager, and reports as well, unknowingly.
Looking back at some of these situations, it feels a bit uncomfortable, but I know now that instead of reacting to them emotionally, it's a lot better to take a step back and not react immediately.
The break should be long enough, so you can think through what is the best action moving forward, and that you stay composed + react professionally.
To learn more about how to deal with conflicts successfully, definitely keep on reading!
Lucky for us, we have Djordje Mladenovic with us today. He is sharing a lot more tips in today’s article.
Introducing Djordje Mladenovic
Djordje Mladenovic is a Senior Engineering Manager and also a Coach with over 14 years in the engineering industry.
Djordje is a big advocate for emotional intelligence being a very important skillset for any leader.
He also writes a newsletter called The Chronicles of a High-EQ Leader, where he shares similar insights as today on how to become a leader with high emotional intelligence.
Conflict Is Inevitable in Leadership
Having disagreements and opposing views is something that happens quite regularly in our roles as engineering leaders.
But what to do when it feels personal?
When someone questions your decision-making, undermines your authority, or makes you feel disrespected, it triggers something deeper.
Suddenly, you’re not just leading a team. You’re defending your values, your experience, and your self-worth.
For engineering leaders, this emotional charge is especially difficult.
We’re trained to think rationally, to solve problems logically, not to navigate the emotional chaos that comes when things get tense. But ignoring emotions doesn’t make conflict go away. It just makes it more likely to Explode.
So, how do the best engineering leaders stay effective and composed when things get personal? How do they turn emotionally charged moments into opportunities for clarity, influence, and trust?
Let me start with a moment that caught me off guard and taught me the hard way.
Personal Story → From Tension to Trust
A while ago, I joined a new team where my direct manager had a reputation for being sharp, experienced… and extremely controlling.
From day one, he wanted to review almost everything I did, even down to the emails I was sending. It felt suffocating. I chalked it up to being new. “Maybe he just wants to make sure I’m aligned,” I told myself.
But weeks passed. Then months. Nothing changed. Every decision was scrutinized, every communication filtered. Slowly, my sense of ownership started to slip. I was no longer thinking like a leader, I was acting like a subordinate, trying not to make a mistake.
Eventually, frustration got the best of me. I started pushing back. I got defensive. I questioned his judgment in meetings, tried to “prove” I didn’t need micromanagement. As you can guess, it backfired.
Our relationship deteriorated. Conversations became tense. I stopped asking for his input and began doing things under the radar. At one point, I even avoided him entirely. It was toxic and I hated the way it made me feel.
Then one day it hit me: Avoiding conflict isn’t leadership - it’s fear. I wasn’t going to grow by pretending the problem didn’t exist.
So I tried something different. Instead of fighting his control, I started validating his concerns. When he gave feedback, I listened, not to agree, but to understand. I stopped trying to win and started trying to connect.
Then I made a small ask: “Would you be okay if I handle this one directly, just to move a bit faster?” He said yes.
That small moment created space. Over time, I asked for more. Slowly, trust began to build. The day he came to me and asked, “What would you do here?”, that’s when I knew the relationship had transformed. We weren’t fighting for control anymore. We were working as partners.
And that’s when I learned: the fastest way to shift a difficult dynamic is not through resistance, but through emotional intelligence and patience.
What Gets in the Way of Conflict Resolution
The hardest conflicts aren’t the loudest ones... they’re the subtle, persistent tensions that drain your energy over time. Especially when they’re rooted in ego, control, or insecurity from either side.
In tech leadership, we often think conflict is a “bug” to be fixed. But interpersonal conflict isn’t always about logic. It’s about perception, emotion, and identity.
When someone micromanages you, it’s rarely just about the task... It’s about fear of losing control. When you react defensively, it’s not just frustration, it’s fear of being undermined.
The mistake most engineering leaders make is trying to "fix" the conflict by pushing harder: arguing back, avoiding, escalating. But emotionally intelligent leaders pause long enough to ask, What’s really going on here... in me and in them?
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned is this:
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
— Stephen R. Covey
It sounds simple. But in practice, it takes humility, patience, and emotional maturity, especially when your pride is wounded. Yet that’s the exact moment when leadership begins: not when things are easy, but when things get personal and you choose curiosity over control.
That’s why I developed a small mental framework I now use in every difficult conversation, especially when emotions are high.
The Conflict Diffusion Framework
Pause. Validate. Reframe. Invite.
When conflict gets personal, our first instinct is usually the wrong one: to react fast, defend ourselves, or retreat. But emotionally intelligent leaders know that how you respond in those charged moments determines whether the conflict escalates… or transforms into trust.
Here’s the framework I use - simple to remember, but powerful when practiced:
1. Pause
Before reacting, breathe.
Create just a few seconds of space between stimulus and response. That moment gives you the power to choose intention over instinct.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
— Viktor Frankl
2. Validate
Acknowledge their perspective.
This doesn’t mean you agree... it means you recognize the emotion or need behind their behavior. People escalate when they feel unseen.
“I can see this is important to you.”
“I hear that you want things done a certain way, and I understand why.”
3. Reframe
Shift the focus.
Move the conversation from blame or control to shared goals and mutual respect.
“We both want this project to succeed, how can we align better?”
“I think we’re both trying to protect quality. Maybe we’re just seeing different paths to get there.”
4. Invite
Extend a collaborative gesture.
Ask a question or propose a next step that signals trust, openness, and shared ownership.
“What would feel like a good next step for you?”
“Can I try handling this part directly, and we check in after?”
This framework isn’t about being “soft.” It’s about leading with emotional clarity. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict... It’s to move through it with intention.
Six Conflicts Every Engineering Leader Will Face
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