How Engineering Leaders Stay Calm and Effective When It Gets Personal
6 real-world stories and the 4-step framework for resolving conflicts effectively!
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Intro
I've reacted emotionally many times in my career, both as an engineer and a manager. And one of the reasons for doing that was that I was very passionate about my work, the team, and the overall projects.
This has unfortunately caused me to burn some of the bridges -> with my peers, manager, and reports as well, unknowingly.
Looking back at some of these situations, it feels a bit uncomfortable, but I know now that instead of reacting to them emotionally, it's a lot better to take a step back and not react immediately.
The break should be long enough, so you can think through what is the best action moving forward, and that you stay composed + react professionally.
To learn more about how to deal with conflicts successfully, definitely keep on reading!
Lucky for us, we have Djordje Mladenovic with us today. He is sharing a lot more tips in today’s article.
Introducing Djordje Mladenovic
Djordje Mladenovic is a Senior Engineering Manager and also a Coach with over 14 years in the engineering industry.
Djordje is a big advocate for emotional intelligence being a very important skillset for any leader.
He also writes a newsletter called The Chronicles of a High-EQ Leader, where he shares similar insights as today on how to become a leader with high emotional intelligence.
Conflict Is Inevitable in Leadership
Having disagreements and opposing views is something that happens quite regularly in our roles as engineering leaders.
But what to do when it feels personal?
When someone questions your decision-making, undermines your authority, or makes you feel disrespected, it triggers something deeper.
Suddenly, you’re not just leading a team. You’re defending your values, your experience, and your self-worth.
For engineering leaders, this emotional charge is especially difficult.
We’re trained to think rationally, to solve problems logically, not to navigate the emotional chaos that comes when things get tense. But ignoring emotions doesn’t make conflict go away. It just makes it more likely to Explode.
So, how do the best engineering leaders stay effective and composed when things get personal? How do they turn emotionally charged moments into opportunities for clarity, influence, and trust?
Let me start with a moment that caught me off guard and taught me the hard way.
Personal Story → From Tension to Trust
A while ago, I joined a new team where my direct manager had a reputation for being sharp, experienced… and extremely controlling.
From day one, he wanted to review almost everything I did, even down to the emails I was sending. It felt suffocating. I chalked it up to being new. “Maybe he just wants to make sure I’m aligned,” I told myself.
But weeks passed. Then months. Nothing changed. Every decision was scrutinized, every communication filtered. Slowly, my sense of ownership started to slip. I was no longer thinking like a leader, I was acting like a subordinate, trying not to make a mistake.
Eventually, frustration got the best of me. I started pushing back. I got defensive. I questioned his judgment in meetings, tried to “prove” I didn’t need micromanagement. As you can guess, it backfired.
Our relationship deteriorated. Conversations became tense. I stopped asking for his input and began doing things under the radar. At one point, I even avoided him entirely. It was toxic and I hated the way it made me feel.
Then one day it hit me: Avoiding conflict isn’t leadership - it’s fear. I wasn’t going to grow by pretending the problem didn’t exist.
So I tried something different. Instead of fighting his control, I started validating his concerns. When he gave feedback, I listened, not to agree, but to understand. I stopped trying to win and started trying to connect.
Then I made a small ask: “Would you be okay if I handle this one directly, just to move a bit faster?” He said yes.
That small moment created space. Over time, I asked for more. Slowly, trust began to build. The day he came to me and asked, “What would you do here?”, that’s when I knew the relationship had transformed. We weren’t fighting for control anymore. We were working as partners.
And that’s when I learned: the fastest way to shift a difficult dynamic is not through resistance, but through emotional intelligence and patience.
What Gets in the Way of Conflict Resolution
The hardest conflicts aren’t the loudest ones... they’re the subtle, persistent tensions that drain your energy over time. Especially when they’re rooted in ego, control, or insecurity from either side.
In tech leadership, we often think conflict is a “bug” to be fixed. But interpersonal conflict isn’t always about logic. It’s about perception, emotion, and identity.
When someone micromanages you, it’s rarely just about the task... It’s about fear of losing control. When you react defensively, it’s not just frustration, it’s fear of being undermined.
The mistake most engineering leaders make is trying to "fix" the conflict by pushing harder: arguing back, avoiding, escalating. But emotionally intelligent leaders pause long enough to ask, What’s really going on here... in me and in them?
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned is this:
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
— Stephen R. Covey
It sounds simple. But in practice, it takes humility, patience, and emotional maturity, especially when your pride is wounded. Yet that’s the exact moment when leadership begins: not when things are easy, but when things get personal and you choose curiosity over control.
That’s why I developed a small mental framework I now use in every difficult conversation, especially when emotions are high.
The Conflict Diffusion Framework
Pause. Validate. Reframe. Invite.
When conflict gets personal, our first instinct is usually the wrong one: to react fast, defend ourselves, or retreat. But emotionally intelligent leaders know that how you respond in those charged moments determines whether the conflict escalates… or transforms into trust.
Here’s the framework I use - simple to remember, but powerful when practiced:
1. Pause
Before reacting, breathe.
Create just a few seconds of space between stimulus and response. That moment gives you the power to choose intention over instinct.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
— Viktor Frankl
2. Validate
Acknowledge their perspective.
This doesn’t mean you agree... it means you recognize the emotion or need behind their behavior. People escalate when they feel unseen.
“I can see this is important to you.”
“I hear that you want things done a certain way, and I understand why.”
3. Reframe
Shift the focus.
Move the conversation from blame or control to shared goals and mutual respect.
“We both want this project to succeed, how can we align better?”
“I think we’re both trying to protect quality. Maybe we’re just seeing different paths to get there.”
4. Invite
Extend a collaborative gesture.
Ask a question or propose a next step that signals trust, openness, and shared ownership.
“What would feel like a good next step for you?”
“Can I try handling this part directly, and we check in after?”
This framework isn’t about being “soft.” It’s about leading with emotional clarity. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict... It’s to move through it with intention.
Six Conflicts Every Engineering Leader Will Face
It’s one thing to talk about emotional intelligence in theory, but real leadership happens in the messy, nuanced, unpredictable world of human relationships.
Whether you're leading a team, working with cross-functional partners, or navigating up and across the org chart, conflict is everywhere.
And if you're serious about growing as a leader, you can't avoid it... You have to learn to move through it with clarity and emotional skill.
The following six examples cover the most common and high-stakes conflicts engineering leaders face. From managing difficult team dynamics to handling power struggles with peers or execs, each story illustrates:
How EQ mistakes quietly make things worse
How the Pause. Validate. Reframe. Invite. framework helps shift the tone and
How you can start practicing emotionally intelligent leadership even in the toughest situations
These aren’t just hypotheticals, they’re the daily reality for people leading in complex, high-pressure tech environments. Let’s dive in…
1. Conflict with a Team Member
Story: You’re giving feedback to a team member about missed deadlines. Instead of owning the issue, they become defensive: “You didn’t tell me the priorities changed,” they say, frustrated. You feel dismissed and start doubling down, maybe even micromanaging to avoid surprises.
EQ Mistake: Letting frustration turn feedback into control. You shift from guiding to overmanaging.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Recognize your own emotional reaction and don’t escalate.
Validate: “I hear you. It sounds like the change caught you off guard.”
Reframe: “We both want to deliver reliably, maybe we can sync priorities more frequently?”
Invite: “Would it help if we had a 5-min check-in twice a week?”
2. Conflict with a Cross-Functional Partner (e.g. UX)
Story: You’re working with a UX designer who keeps changing specs late in the sprint. Your engineers are frustrated. In a meeting, you snap: “We can’t keep rebuilding the UI every two days!” They reply: “Well, you’re not the one talking to users every day!”
EQ Mistake: Treating collaboration as competition, fighting over whose work matters more.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Step back from the heat of the moment.
Validate: “I see how important user feedback is to you.”
Reframe: “Let’s figure out a rhythm where we can respond to feedback without burning out the team.”
Invite: “What kind of sync would help us align before changes hit sprint planning?”
3. Conflict with a Peer Engineering Manager
Story: You and another EM are fighting for shared resources. They get more headcount, more visibility. You feel sidelined. You start quietly pushing back, shielding your team, and the relationship starts to deteriorate.
EQ Mistake: Letting resentment grow instead of communicating openly.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Notice the shift in your behavior... are you avoiding?
Validate: “It looks like you’re under pressure to deliver fast. I get it.”
Reframe: “Maybe we’re both playing defense here... what would it look like to actually team up?”
Invite: “Want to meet weekly and align before leadership asks for updates?”
4. Conflict with Your Manager
Story: Your manager constantly questions your roadmap and decisions. Every time you present, they poke holes. You feel undermined, like they don’t trust you. You stop sharing openly, just to avoid being second-guessed.
EQ Mistake: Withdrawing instead of confronting the misalignment.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Acknowledge your avoidance.
Validate: “You’re deeply involved because you care about results, and I respect that.”
Reframe: “Sometimes I get the feeling you don’t fully trust my approach... can we talk about that?”
Invite: “Would it help to do a roadmap preview before the wider review meetings?”
5. Conflict with Your Skip-Level (Manager’s Manager)
Story: You present a strategic initiative to your skip-level, and they immediately dismiss it in front of others. You feel publicly shut down, and worse, your manager doesn’t defend you. You feel powerless.
EQ Mistake: Overpersonalizing. Turning one moment into a story of rejection or status loss.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Resist the urge to vent or spiral.
Validate: “You’ve seen this type of proposal before and maybe it didn’t work. I get the hesitation.”
Reframe: “This might look familiar, but we’re solving a different set of constraints here.”
Invite: “Can I walk you through the assumptions and get your thoughts 1:1?”
6. Conflict with a Leader from Another Department (e.g. Product)
Story: A product manager pushes to launch fast, and you keep raising engineering risks. They accuse you of “being a blocker.” You feel like quality is being sacrificed, and they think you’re resisting change.
EQ Mistake: Turning healthy tension into a personal standoff. You defend your turf instead of clarifying shared goals.
Use the Framework:
Pause: Notice the polarization forming: “us vs them.”
Validate: “I see you’re under pressure to ship, and it makes sense.”
Reframe: “We both want a successful launch... how do we define ‘success’ together?”
Invite: “Want to co-review the risk plan and pick the right tradeoffs together?”
Key Takeaways → Leadership Begins When It Gets Personal
The moments that challenge us emotionally are often the ones that define us as leaders. It’s easy to be composed when things are smooth. But true leadership shows when your pride is hurt, when the pressure is high, and when people frustrate you... And you still choose empathy over ego.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being nice. It’s about seeing clearly: your triggers, your patterns, and the opportunity behind every difficult interaction. It’s the skill that turns tension into trust, conflict into collaboration, and people into partners.
When in doubt, remember: Pause. Validate. Reframe. Invite.
Because conflict isn’t the problem... It’s how you show up for it that counts.
Last words
Special thanks to Djordje for sharing his insights on this very important topic with us! Make sure to check him out on LinkedIn and also check out his newsletter The Chronicles of a High-EQ Leader.
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Great quality on this reading! Thanks for sharing!